Foods That Make Me Ask, 'Why?'

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To know me is to know that I love to eat. One of the things I most enjoy is getting to know people and their culture through food. I’ll try most anything. You name it, I’ve probably tried it – and more importantly – I can usually point you in the direction of a restaurant that specializes in it – whatever “it” is.

My kids like to say that if I were an animal I’d be a catfish. Why? Because a catfish eats anything that comes along. While I have to confess they’re mostly right, they’re not completely correct.

There are still a few things out there that I refuse to eat. Why, because I’ve come to the conclusion that some things just don’t make sense. You can explain it to me all day long, but I simply won’t get it. I’m slow that way.

Below is my list of the top 10 foods and beverages that make me wonder, “Why would I waste my time?”

10. Angel food cake

Cake should be sweet and dense and chock-full of wonderfulness. Angel food cake, in my opinion, is none of those. In fact, it’s just the opposite. You might as well eat Styrofoam peanuts. And don’t start in on all the effort it took to make it. It’s not about the effort, it’s about the final product. If it were about effort they’d give out Olympic medals for last place. 

9. Grits

Spend any quality time with a Southerner and he’ll extol the virtues of his mama’s grits. Grits, for Yankees who’ve never been so abused, are the food equivalent of eating sand. The name says it all. Now, my friend Bubba will give you at least six reasons why his mama’s grits were outstanding. Most of them are the things mama put on top of the grits – cheese, eggs, bacon, you name it. The grits are nothing more than a vehicle to carry the good stuff to your mouth. Ask Bubba if he likes plain grits. He’ll state emphatically “No! Nobody eats plain grits.” My point exactly.

8. Lefse

See No. 9. Lefse is to my Norwegian friends as grits are to my Southern friends. Lefse is a flavorless, no-frills, potato flatbread that by itself is just no fun.

7. Meringue

Here’s another one from the “I want applause for my effort” file. Sure it’s pretty, but it tastes like sugared spackling compound. Spend half the time and make an apple pie – you’ll be loved forever.

6. Boiled peanuts

Any guy who likes beer will tell you peanuts are a gift from God. Whoever decided to boil peanuts in the shell was clearly unstable. What’s even stranger is that people line up for blocks to buy the mooshie things by the bag full. It’s like eating soggy toast. What once was good is now just gross.

5. Fat-free ice cream

Ice cream is supposed to be a treat. A decadent few moments of blissful escape into creamy splendor. You’re raining on the parade when you try to make ice cream healthy. Go find a little old lady to help cross the street. Leave my ice cream alone.

4. Salad

I laugh when I hear people talk about the “wonderful” salad they had for lunch. Let’s be clear, salad isn’t food – it’s maintenance. While you can do things to dress it up, it’s still not much fun to eat. It’s a necessary evil. A preamble. Not the reason you’re there. If you’re excited about a salad you need to get out more often.

3. Coffee

Now before you go ballistic, hear me out. Coffee smells great. But there’s something really important that gets lost between smelling it and drinking it – flavor. In comparison, hot chocolate wraps its arms around you in a warm, loving embrace. Coffee, on the other hand, slaps you around and says, “Tough love is good!” From a taste standpoint you might as well boil some tree bark – it’d taste just as good. Coffee is just nasty. I’ll get my caffeine from a pop can.

2. Gray food

This one’s a little broad, but stick with me. There’s just not much less appetizing than gray food (apologies to all my Norwegian friends). Gray is gross. You never hear anyone on the Food Network tell you to “gray that in the pan.” Brown is better. Swedish meatballs and stroganoff don’t have to look like they’re covered in gray, gelatinous snot. So to all my friends up North, ask Santa to put some Kitchen Bouquet in your stocking this year. Your dinner guests will love you for it.

1. Light beer

Let’s just get it out on the table once and for all. The United States leads the world in consumption of light (low-calorie) beer. Something to be proud of? I think not! Most other countries don’t even sell the stuff! With all the fantastic beers out there, why would you waste your time drinking beer-flavored water? I’m at a loss. Life is too short to drink bad beer. Amen.

So, those are my thoughts on foods that make me ask, “Why?” What’s on your list? Please respond so we can add to the list.

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