They Call It 'Heart-Attack' Snow

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It’s said that the Eskimo language has 50 words for snow. I was pondering that fact as I stepped outside my garage door with my trusty 24-inch reinforced-aluminum push shovel in hand for the first time this winter. The initial push told the tale. “Yep, heart-attack snow.” Mother Nature had come out of the bullpen throwing her best stuff.

Let’s get something clear right up front. Iowans are fond of telling people what they love most about living in Iowa is the four seasons. Let’s be honest. Any homeowner will tell you there aren’t really four seasons in Iowa. There are just two seasons in Iowa. The first is the one in which all your free time is used up mowing the grass. The other season is the one in which all your free time is used up moving snow.

“Heart-attack” snow is what Iowans call the snow-rain mix that most often happens as winter transitions in and transitions out. It occurs when the temperature is cold enough to make snow, but still warm enough to mix in a great deal of water. The result is a semi-frozen white glop that’s so wet and dense it clogs up even the most robust snow blower. 

If you’re not from the North, here’s a quick analogy. Imagine holding a handful of cotton balls. When dry they’re fluffy and light. Now hold that same handful of cotton balls in a bucket of water for a minute. What was light and fluffy is now very dense and extremely heavy. While a normal shovel-full of dry snow will weigh five to 10 pounds that same shovel-full of heart-attack snow can weigh 25 to 30 pounds.

Heart-attack snow has be moved by hand. And it’s very hard work. Hence the name. They could call it “thinning-the-herd snow,” but that might be just a little too cold-hearted.

Tracks in the snow

You can learn a lot about people by looking at how they clean their driveway and sidewalks during the winter. Here’s a quick tutorial on things you see and what they mean.

1. Four-foot-high pencil-thin poles at the entrance of the driveway

Those poles are there so the guy they hired to plow the driveway knows where the cement stops and the grass starts. In my youth I looked down at these homeowners as cheaters. Now as a more mature person I see hiring someone to plow my driveway as not only good time management but also money well spent.

2. Footprints or tire tracks in the snow

A bad sign. The key to good cement management is to move the snow before anyone walks or drives on it. Those tracks quickly turn to ice, and if it stays cold enough, they’ll be with you until the final thaw in May.

3. Good vs. poor shoveling

Good snow shoveling means removing the snow from the whole width of the sidewalk, not just the width of the snow shovel or snow blower. Often this is the sign of a high-school kid in a hurry, or a transplant from the South who doesn’t yet know any better.

4. It looks clear, but it’s slippery

The mark of a novice. Once you move the snow off the cement the final critical step is to spread ice-melt to dry the cement and prevent ice from developing. Amateurs.

5. Clean patches followed by snow-covered patches

The sure sign of young kids in the vicinity. They have the whole yard to play in but the siren song of naked cement beckons them to dump snow where you just shoveled. God bless ‘em.

6. The un-shoveled sidewalk

The unmistakable sign of the petulant teenager, or worse yet, the petulant college student home on winter break. Bad, very bad.

7. Its 6 a.m. and the sidewalk is perfectly clean

The unmistakable mark of the master – the old retired guy. He’s first out and first in. It’s a matter of pride for him. He’s also the same guy who knows every blade of grass in his lawn by name. You gotta love that kind of dedication.

It’s all about technique

Here are five quick tips for those new to the North:

1. Get out there early. Don’t let people walk or drive on that snow. Good intentions are fleeting, but ice on your sidewalk lasts all winter.

2. Lift with your legs, not your back.

3. Driveway maintenance. The city snow-plow driver is your friend, but you’ll cuss him every time he cleans off the street but plugs your driveway at the same time. Don’t let that pile of snow sit. Clean it off immediately. It’ll turn as hard as cement very quickly.

4. Snow blowers. If you use a snow blower, never put your hand near the auger. ‘Nuff said.

5. Watch that handle! Always keep the shovel handle slightly offset, away from your body. Why? So when you hit that next uneven piece of sidewalk you won’t jam the handle into your stomach . . . or other important parts. No one likes to throw up in the snow at 5 a.m.

Good luck this winter. I hope you survive the heart-attack snow. And remember, if all else fails, it’s sure to melt…someday. 

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First snow of the year, Dec. 4, 2016, Eldridge, Iowa