Advice For The Groom-To-Be ...or ...How To Survive Engagement

(To listen to this story, click on the photo above.)

The other day a young guy I know confided in me that while he’s excited about getting married, he’s been locking horns with his fiancé and her mother about wedding plans. I told him to pull up a chair and listen closely to some of the best advice I’ve ever received. Advice I’ve shared countless times. And countless times I’ve been thanked for sharing this wisdom.

It was a Monday morning in 1990 and I was the new guy in my office. I was feeling a little down, and my buddy Rich noticed. Rich was a great big bear of a guy. He lived large. He did everything big, fast and loud. He owned a Corvette and drove it like it was a cheap rental. He smoked like it was his job. And he never missed the weekly rack o’ribs special at Rib Haven. In short, he was the guy who could just as easily lead you astray as he could point you in the right direction. The perfect mentor.

I took a seat in his office and explained how I’d just spent the weekend at Penny’s parents’ house and that I unexpectedly had stirred up a hornet’s nest with my future wife and future mother in law.

My story was simple. I was innocently walking through the kitchen – otherwise known as “wedding-planning central.” I had almost cleared the door when Penny asked me about the wording on wedding invitations. I read the draft. All was good until I suggested including a line at the bottom about “no gifts necessary.”

Rich shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut real tight, then let out a big sigh and asked, “Let me guess, all hell broke loose?”

The simple answer was, “Yes.” At the time I wasn’t really sure I was going to make it out of the kitchen alive. Apparently there’s an unwritten code in the Female Book of Rules that’s a corollary to the Golden Rule. It goes something like, “I gave every one of my relatives’ and friends’ kids a wedding present, and they’re by-God going to do the same thing for my kid.” I think it’s called the “Universal Rule of Good Taste and Sensibility,” or the “Payback Rule” for short.

Rich took a deep breath before speaking. “O.K. Simple rookie mistake. You’re not dead, just beat up a little.”

He then proceeded to share with me the advice he’d received more than two decades earlier when he was engaged and made a similar blunder.

“Here’s the deal, kid,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “You love her and she loves you. That’s the bottom line and you need to stay focused on that.

“Now, regarding wedding planning. Wedding planning can be like a spring meadow filled with flowers, or it can be a minefield waiting to remove a limb with every step you take. The choice is yours.”

I told him I’d rather go for option A.

“Good choice,” he said. “So here’s a little secret that nobody tells us guys. When you pop the question, it’s like you’ve knocked over the first domino, or lit the fuse on a stick of dynamite. You’ve set events in motion and you’re not in control. And forget about sharing responsibilities. You’ll have plenty of time for sharing down the road. This is about survival.”

“To survive wedding planning you’ve got to be smart and nimble. It’s a big chess game and there’s only one winning strategy. Play dumb.”

I stared at him. A dumfounded look on my face.

“Good. You’re catching on,” he said. He continued in a hushed, conspiratorial tone, “You see, women feel compelled to ask your opinion. But the truth is, they neither want nor care about your opinion – even though they ask for it.

“Weddings are a caldron of hundreds of details. And if you think about it, you’ll realize you really don’t care about most of them. What you need to do is find that one – or maybe two – things you really care about. Something truly meaningful.  Find that one – or maybe two things – and stick to your guns. The rest? You didn’t even hear the question.

“So go back to the kitchen scenario. You’re walking through. They ask a question about something that isn’t one of your “two things.” What do you do? You just keep walking. The good ones don’t even break stride. But that takes practice,” he said, beaming with pride.

“She asked the question – check. That item wasn’t on your short list – check. You kept walking – check.  She fulfilled her need to ask your opinion – check.  Everybody wins!”

I sat there. Stunned. It was so straight-forward, so elegant in its simplicity. Such wisdom. I felt like Buddha himself had just imparted the secret to happiness.

Two weeks later history repeated itself – except this time I followed Rich’s sage advice. I’m pleased to report that it worked! And after almost 25 years of marriage I can safely say I’ve done well when I remembered Rich’s advice.

It’s not just sage advice for surviving wedding planning. It’s good advice to follow each and every day of married life. I’ve found that when I focus on what’s really important, the little things take care of themselves. 

Thanks Rich, wherever you are.

Note: If you enjoyed this story, please like, follow or subscribe. Thanks!

Penny & James O'Connor, June 9, 1990

------------------------

What advice do you have for the engaged? Please share your thoughts.